"In my own little corner........."

Have you ever watched the Cinderella movie that the singer Brandy plays in? If you have you know there is one song that she sings called in my own little corner. Yea that is definitely what I am singing today :) I am content with myself and know that I am working hard and growing every day but I still feel that I am a definite disappointment to others. No matter the achievements that I have or all that I have accomplished that doesn't add up to much. In those moments, I am depressed and feel like withdrawing from the world and isolating myself in my own little corner where I can be whatever I want to be and it be okay. Normally I have my mask up and I can pretend what they say doesn't affect me but those words are arrows shot straight at my heart that no one can see but I can feel and eat at me until the point I am broken. I am in so much pain that my mask falls off and I am left vulnerable. I hate feeling vulnerable and weak.

BUT the best part of being weak and vulnerable is that God wakes me up. He shows me that I cannot handle it all on my own and that he bears my yoke with me. Even though I put on my mask and my icy front that isn't enough to sustain me and protect me that I need to give it all to him and stop trying to do it all myself. Even though I may be in my own little corner, God's in my corner and he believes in me and has my back even when the world is against me :)

Do you ever wish your life was different? That someone else's life would be better than living your own? I think that sometimes we all think about that and think someone's life would be better than our own. Whose life would you choose? Would you want to be Angelina Jolie? Would you like to know what it feels like to be loved by a man named Brad Pitt? Would you like to know what it feels like to have the ability to help with world like she does? Would you like the amount of money she has in her pocket and bank account? But what does she kind behind that smile and those eyes? Do you know her worries and her fears? When she as Atlas holds up her world what are the weights it holds for her? Would you like to live that life of a friend or family member? What about a famous singer? Would you want to be Beyonce?? She has a figure that guys kill for and her voice is like the angels in heaven when she sings. She can dance like nobody's business and married to a great rapper. But what does she think about before she goes to bed at night? She lives all her life in the limelight and every second of her life is taped or photographed and she can no longer but out and about in the world and just become a face in the crowd. If you could live someone's life which life would you live?

Me.....that would be a hard one. My life is definitely not perfect but I think no matter who I wished to become I would and always be me just in a different body. I would still think the same and act the same because of the woman I am. No matter what costume I put on I am still Jennifer at the end of the day. I am content with that :) Live life to the fullest and do the best the can with what you got. Be a blessing to others. Can you ask for anything more?

Times are tough. Life is tough. It wasn't I don't think we would appreciate the small things that God blesses us with. Today one of my dreams that was in reach just slipped to a higher level but it was my fault all the same. We have to deal with the consequences no matter the reasons that led up to the event. I had my crying time and now I am trying to focus on the blessings that I have. My God is still in control and He will sustain me through this hard time. I will be that which I dream to be. It just might take a little longer.

This summer has taught me a lot about myself. It is funny to look at the woman I was when I graduated from OBU and the woman I am today. I find it incredible the amount of confidence I have in myself and how I will stand up more for myself and what I believe in my heart to be right. I am not afraid to be myself and to be bold in my opinion and I do not shy away from speaking my opinion. I think on the down side I am less trusting with people. There are only a few that I trust and find myself trusting less and less people and that includes my own family. How sad is that right? My mom was right in some regard that I was naive in some sense but my eyes are open and I doubt that I will ever look at the world or some people in the same way as before. I am more cold hearted than I used to be and that is a hard one to face. I love people and learning about them but a lot of encounters that I have had with people have left me not wanting to try to see reason and see the person that Christ would love. That is one thing that I am working hard to overcome.

I have learned there is only two people that you can completely trust wholeheartedly and that is Christ and yourself. I try to live each day as if it were my last and breathe in all the moments that I can to savor them and be thankful that Christ gave me another day to live and to experience and how blessed I am to know Him and that even though to a lot of people I am a hopeless piece of work but to Him I am a continuous work in progress :)

Please ring please phone ring!!!!!

Monday night they held the school board meeting and normally they approve all the new teachers then and I haven't heard anything from them yet so hopefully that means that I will get a call soon. I am assuming since they haven't sent me a we hate you letter then I might still have a good chance of getting the job. THIS WAITING IS KILLING ME :)

Peter Pan take me away to Neverland :)

If I hear one more person say Jennifer you sound like a naive kid I think I will scream. I am so tired of people thinking that I am still a 12 year old kid. I do sometimes feel like a 24 year old stuck in a 12 year old body but that's because I am still learning and growing. Is that not what we do at each stage of our life???? Do we not learn and grow more mature with all that we experience and learn??? Or am I just crazy?

I am tired of people thinking that I am incapable of doing anything. I cannot manage my money right or save enough money and I am so irresponsible because I supposedly blow all my money because I have no concept of preparing for the future. I AM FREAKING SICK OF THAT. Please tell me how you are supposed to save money when after bills and gas you only fifteen dollars left for food???? Tell me how do I save with that when I need every cent for ramen noodles and whatever little things??? Tell me how I do that? I know my financial situations sucks right now and I hate worrying every day that I don't have enough money to do anything. I am learning the best that I can and doing the best I can with what I got.

What do you know about me??? Nothing because you don't take the time to try to listen but rather scream at me. What constitutes the rite of passage from teenager to adulthood??? What sign do I need to show for you to believe that I am grown up???? I work hard pay my bills and go to graduate school full time please please please tell me how I am not responsible??? Tell me where I fall short????

God knows I am not perfect and I will never be perfect. I am me and that is all that I can be. I will learn lessons as they come to me and if I don't know something I will search for the answer through asking questions until I understand it. Don't judge me based on things that you think but look at me and ask me.

To be a grown up, you are faced everyday with new situations that arise and how do you deal with them because you are oh so wise??? You don't know if the path you choose is the right one you look at your options and seek God's guidance and pray you choose the right path. Every now and then you won't choose the right path and you learn from it and know better. I have to learn just like everyone else. Not everything in this world will be my forte. But I will try to be the best that I can but you also have to realize that I am me not you but JENNIFER RACHELLE PHILLIPS.

Peter Pan take me away to your neverland so I don't have to listen to how inadequate I am as an adult and then I will never have any bills or responsibilities for the rest of my life!!!!!!!

Rewind and Pause :)

Are there times where you wish that you could rewind and pause moments so you could savor them more??? I was thinking about that today about how many moments that I took for granted and never really appreciated them. I miss OBU, I miss my friends, and I miss being naive. I never thought I would say I miss being naive. I hate stress, money, job interviews, and waiting. BUT I am looking forward to a great day tomorrow with Moni and all my friends that I will see. I miss them all and wish they all could be there tomorrow. Arkadelphia and OBU will always be home for me :)

One day at a time :)

Feeling a little overhelmed so much happening in such a little time. One day at a time as my Moosey tells me. One hour one minute one second at a time. I have faith for He can carry me through this :)

Vida

No where to go but up :)

God Winks :)

I am reading this book called When God Winks at You by Squire Rushnell and it talks about God Winks. Now what is a God Wink you ask it is when God uses nonverbal means to remind you that he is there and that He is watching and hearing your prayers. Ever had times that you could not explain and you just knew God was speaking to you that is what the author calls God Winks. It reminded me of something that happened to me on Wednesday. I had a pretty bad week this week and by Wednesday it kind of had peaked and I was pretty upset and driving from El Dorado to Smackover to teach my little bible class and God winked at me. I had the windows down and I was pondering many different things that were going on and I was definitely in tears and all of a sudden a petal from a dogwood flower came in the window and drifted over from the passenger side window to my side and gently touched my cheek and kissed my nose and then went out my window as fast as it came in. I felt God touching me and telling me to keep my head up. I was filled with such an overwhelming peace that it brought tears of joy to eyes and a smile to my once frowny lips. He helped me get through the rest of the day and help give me enough energy to teach my class. I love it when he shows that he is there through so many different means. I don't know how some people live their lives without my God and His love. I know I wouldn't survive.

Cansada :0

I AM SO TIRED!!!!!!!!!!! I never thought I would be this tired but I am. I went to bed at a decent hour last night and woke up kinda late this morning and actually had to really force myself to get out of bed. BUT the best part is that I was awoken to a clear head and no migraine which was an amazing feeling. Praise Jesus for that. Today at work was a long one!!!! I really do not want to work tomorrow but what can you do????? Well I am going to go to bed early tonight. Buenas noches!!!!

Today

Today where do I start.....I have had a migraine now for three days and I am so freaking tired of it. I took off today because I could not hardly open my eyes my head was hurting so much. I slept most of the day because the pain would not go away.

Good news is that Mom's test went great in Little Rock and while there she bought me some interview outfits which was nice I loved the shoes but not so much the outfits.....I think I was really short with her and Annie today because with my head pounding and all the questions on top of being a little irritated that I didn't like any of the outfits kind of put me over the edge. After I had calmed down, mom and I decided to go try Stage and see if they would have anything for me to wear. WOW was that an experience. I tried on so many different outfits all the while my head pounding. Finally we decided on three different ones and they all look cute and thank God they are comfortable and I don't feel like a granny with my skirt taking up half of my body :)

Well I am tired and wishing I could sleep but I keep tossing and turning but I am going to turn it and hopefully the pounding in my head will stop soon until tomorrow Adieu!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNGGGGGGGGGG DAY :)

Today Today Today......................UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I went to bed last night with a horrible migraine. Then this morning I was running late and then Jennifer made a big mistake that she should have known better than making. There are days when I feel like such an idiot like I am never going to get this growing up on your own thing right. I feel like a naive little child running around in a place she has no business being in. Does this every go away??? Do other people feel this way???? Or am I the only one????? Some days I want to cry and lay up in my bed because I am doing th best that I can and trying to learn and be responsible but every time I turn around I am not doing so hot or making mistakes constantly. I know that we have to live and learn but some things I thought would come a little naturally.

On a better note, I had fun tonight in my little bible class that I teach. I only had two tonight but I love teaching them. I love making up the games that go along with it even though it gets hard trying to break down the material.

I got another migraine after work and it has followed me and still haunts me to these very moments. I am not quite sure of the cause but I have a feeling that it is the stress that surrounds me and poor Sergio gets so worried. I went and spend some time with my mom. God knows I love her. We never see eye to eye on anything and we definitely think differently and act completely opposite but there are times when she gets me and today was definitely one of those days. She said a lot of things that I needed her to say that I don't think she realized that I needed to hear. I love her with all of heart and would not be where I am today without her. I don't think I tell her enough how much I appreciate and love her. We may not always get along but I know she loves me and would do anything in the world for me. What I have done to deserve her I am not sure, but I know for sure I am thankful and count my blessings to know that God gave her to me as my mommy. She has helped me in so many ways and I don't know where I would be without her love and her support even if it takes her a little to come around.

To leave you with a quote from Mr. Tupac Shakur called The rose that Grew from Concrete

Did u hear about the rose that grew from a crack
in the concrete
Proving nature's laws wrong it learn 2 walk
without having feet
Funny it seems but by keeping its dreams
it learned 2 breathe fresh air
Long live the rose that grew from concrete
when no else even cared!!!!!

Some good some bad :)

Today has been an interesting day :) Today didn't start off so well. I woke up and was in some pain that I am so sick of having every month. It is getting old and seems to get a little worse every time. I am hoping this summer that it will all be taken care of with this new doctor.

On a positive note, I have an interview April 27th with El Dorado School District for a Spanish Teacher opening. I am quite excited about that but it is a little nerve racking at the same time. I have a few classmates that work there and hearing some of their stories make me nervous about teaching there. They have had students threaten their lives and some you never know if they actually are gonna do it or not. It scares me but at the same time I want to be a teacher to make a difference in the lives of my students and to inspire them. I want them to be able to use the things I teach them in my classroom in their every day lives. I want to be the teacher in the movies you see at the rough school district and make something of my students. I am not saying I want to be famous or something like that but I just want to make a difference in the lives of my students to make them become better people than they thought they could. So many students these days think less of themselves or think that they cannot accomplish nothing with their lives because their parents don't care about them and degrade them. It hurts my heart to think they actually believe that. I want them to know they can do more with their lives than they think that they can. I want them to treat each other with respect and never look down on others and we are all created equal.

To leave you with a quote,
"Be kinder than necessary to everyone you meet, because everyone is fighting some kind of battle."

Just another day :)

Today I got up and went to church with my mom to a catholic church to watch my cousins take part of their first communion. I always feel quite awkward during those services. It's hard to sit by and listen to things you know are not doctrinal correct.

I really haven't done much today which is a nice change. I have rested and done homework and washed some clothes. I do believe that I am now OBSESSED with the Twilight and New Moon movies. I don't know why I love them so much but I find myself watching one or both each day!!!! I am watching a lot of movies lately too but I am not quite sure. I love watching movies and reading books and learning their lessons and hearing their stories. I think because some days and lately these days have been weeks and months that I do have really hard days and these stories are my drugs that take me away from what I am thinking and feeling and I am transported to their worlds and most of all the books and movies that I read have happy endings.

I hope that this week is a better one and things will look up a little :) To leave you with a good quote that I found :

"We girls look at a cloud and say to ourselves, "There's a rainbow coming in just a little while." Then we kick off our shoes and dance in the puddles until the sun comes out again."

Long Time No See

It's been a little while since I posted on here and I don't even know if anyone will ready this but I owe my friends who keep me updated on theres to do this :) It also helps me clear my head.

Today has been a very trying day. At work I seemed to get all the crazy mad people from phone calls to people who walk up in person and it is very hard to deal with people like that when they seem to flock to me. They really try my patience. It is hard so hard to keep my cool.

But on a higher note, I am absolutely and completely head over heels in love with Sergio :) We had a little disagreement earlier today but I love how we work out our problems and our way to communicate and work through them. He understands me and I understand him. We talk about it without raising our voices and we both get our points across and it brings tears to me eyes to think of how amazing our relationship is and that I know it is meant to last all of our lives. Just little fights and resolving makes me appreciate him more because I know from first hand experience that everyone does not resolve their problems that way and think that screaming and yelling are the best ways to solve things and no one thinks clearly and says things that they may mean in the moment but later regret but are too proud to apologize later. I am thankful that we do not have a relationship like that. As I am writing this now, I have tears in my eyes just thinking about him and the great relationship that we have. I cannot wait to see what is around the corner for us because it just keeps on getting better!!!!

I have been having a hard few months with finances and some personal issues that are going on and I have been kind of not like really depressed but not really happy either with all that is came across my path. But tonight I really do have a lot to be grateful for. I have a job which allows me to pay my bills and buy food. I have an amazing boyfriend that loves me completely and loves me for me and every day makes me love him more and more. I have great friends though they are far away I know they love me and pray for me. For my friend here, she makes me laugh and is always someone I can talk to and I am very grateful for her. My mom has been absolutely amazing at times and I appreciate her and all that she does for me. My sisters are great and I love them dearly. Hope makes me laugh and I love watching her mature into such an amazing woman. Annie though we fight, is a lot like me and I am appreciative of her wanting to spend time with and actually wanting to know how I am.

To end I want to share a quote with you that has helped me through this week,
"Just think, you're here not by chance, but by God's choosing. His hand formed you and made you the person you are. He compares you to no one else---you are one of a kind. You lack nothing that His grace can't give you. He has allowed you to be here at this time in history to fulfill His special purpose for this generation."
~ Roy Lessin, co-founder of DaySpring